SUBSTITUTES FOR NAPKINS

i am typing this with taki-dusted fingers

• Socks

  • Socks are a great alternative to wiping your dirty hands on your pants or shirt. Your socks are hidden and they are probably nasty anyways so the potential for staining is not too high of a risk. As someone who wears tall socks nearly every day, I can attest to this trustworthy method.

• Receipts

  • No, you will not find an array of loose napkins in my glove box. But, my car is strewn with loose receipts. Many of them. Receipts have proved to be a good alternative for napkins when snacking while driving. Only downside is if you have to make a return with your now filthy piece of slick paper.

• Mouth

  • While common and the most obvious, the mouth is not a reliable source. It’s unpredictable, relying heavily on the last time you washed your hands. What was the last thing you touched? Is there an event coming up that you can’t miss? The mouth is too risky. Plus, you still need something to wipe your now wet fingers on. Regardless, this is a fun way to enjoy the last bits of a powdery snack.

• Grass

  • A personal favorite. There’s plenty of it. You don’t have to throw it away. It does an immaculate job. Downside is that this only works when you are on top of grass and please be cautious of goose droppings.

• Upholstery

  • Chances are if you are sitting on something upholstered, then you are near a kitchen with a sink or a napkin nearby and you might as well just get up to clean your hands properly. Otherwise, the fabric on a chair does a great job of cleaning one’s hands. Be cautious of the color of the upholstery and how dirty your hands are, though.